“God” is the Reason I’m NOT Sleeping With Your Mum.

“God” is the Reason I’m NOT Sleeping With Your Mum.

 © Temitope O. Oyetomi, 2012

(WARNING! – This work of fiction may be seriously provocative).



Since I got your text two days ago, I have not stopped chuckling to myself. You’re just too smart and too funny! We’ve had more than enough arguments between us about whether God exists or not, and I think, if I remember correctly, I’ve told you that I no longer have a problem with the fact that you have stopped believing in God.

But just because I liked the Facebook status of someone who quoted a Bible verse, you sent me a text calling me “a misguided, brainwashed fool”. You said many unrepeatable things just because you want to shame me into dropping my Christian faith. “Gullible”.  “Mumu”. Me, your best friend? That was quite harsh, brother! Common, bro, we’ve come a long way and differences in religious convictions should not separate us. Nothing should separate us. Your words were so unkind but I forgive you. That’s at least one thing that my belief in God enables me to do – forgiving people when they hurt me.

Now, it’s gonna be your turn – we’ll see whether you can forgive me or not. And whether you can forgive your mum. You are my very best friend – but, actually, something happened between your mum and me six years ago. We were “consenting adults”. I’ve kept it from you because it is the only reasonable thing to do and because I love you and don’t want to hurt you. And I don’t want to hurt your mum too. She really loves me! I’ll need you to please forgive me and forgive her too. Be kind enough to let’s keep this as a secret between the three of us forever. Your dad must not know. Nobody else must hear about this.

I know this will really hurt you – I’m not sure if your religion – “atheism” – allows you to forgive people. But kindly find some reason to forgive both your mum and me. You must know that I love you, and your mum loves you too. We’ve stopped it. Believe me. My belief in God helped me to stop sleeping with your mum. When I became more religious, or “crazier and more lunatic” as you called it, I decided it was sinful for me to keep sleeping with my best friend’s mum. I’m sorry.

Really, I don’t know if you need to thank God for this – since you don’t believe in Him (or “It”, as you always refer to God). But the truth is that God has been very good to you one way or the other. Believe me.

I hope by the time you’ve finished reading this, we would still remain as best friends.

Please kindly reply this email and reassure me that I will be forgiven – and that you won’t hold any grudge against your mum. If you want me to, I will make a full confession to you and give you all the details.

I’m so sorry for everything, bro.



PS: Please kindly don’t try again to convince me about how foolish it is to believe in God. I can’t defend what other “Christians” do, but for me, even if it makes me “a misguided, brainwashed fool” and “mumu”, I’ll prefer to remain a Christian. I fear that if I lose my faith in God, I may resume sleeping with your mum; and, you know, your kid sister is ripening too.


Comments: Friends, let’s pretend I’m David and you’re Tunde, kindly leave your replies here and tell me what you feel about this and how you would handle this situation.


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One response to ““God” is the Reason I’m NOT Sleeping With Your Mum.”

  1. obinna says :

    mehn, i have read this blog severally and it never fails to crack me up eachtime i read it. very funny! if i was the atheist i would atleast be grateful to God for once.

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